I guess you can say that I don't write very often here. It has been awhile and yet it has gone by fast. It has almost been 7 months since Madeleine has passed away. I don't cry as much anymore but I still miss her. I have been trying to do different things to keep me busy but at the end of the day I am still lonely. I just turned 29 on Sunday. I wasn't so excited about it at all. I was swingdancing at the time and it just slipped on by. I had a good time swingdancing but it isn't enough for me. I come home empty handed. I look at my bed and say well there goes another day. I would love to wake up and be excited for something and it just isn't happening yet. Yes I have had some excellent days that have kept me going.
I decided to go to a new singles ward. I am hoping that I can meet a lot of great people perhaps build a social life again. Most of my life is spent going to work and hanging out with my parents. I need to go places and do things that will help me feel like I belong somewhere. I always feel out of place. Maybe this new singles ward can help me with this. I often wonder why I still live here when I feel nothing is keeping me here except for my family. Of course, they are all I have that sustains me right now. Forgive me if someone reads this because it is like writing in my journal all the frustration that has built up inside me needs to get written somewhere.
I am constantly worrying about what is going to happen next in my life and where I am headed.

Erin

Moving on or trying

So this is my first time making a blog. I have never attempted and I decided to get all my frustration and feelings out. I will try to be positive at times as well. After having a baby and losing it the day before she was born really is a toll on you. I have had so many emotions that have played on my attitude that freaks me out at times. I am sad that I don't get to be with Madeleine right now but at times I feel very angry. I don't know who to be angry at. I can't be mad at God because he didn't do anything. I guess I can just be mad at the situation. I hope I can crawl out of this phase before it takes me over. I guess I can't let it though. Your dreams can be shattered so quickly that you don't even get to blink. I feel that many of my dreams have been shattered. I wonder sometimes if happiness is something that only happens in the movies. Wonderful husband, kids, home and success. Everything just slips on by without being able to taste it for very long. I get a glimpse and then it is gone.
Madeleine is the only thing that keeps me going. I look at her pictures and know that I can have the best thing later on. The time is sometimes unbearable I want to scream and run run run. Is anything out there that will lift me up out of my sorrow. Can I breathe? Yes there is but give it time and let yourself mourn is what I have to say.